Holocron 02 = Private = Security Encryption = Eyes Only
I watch him as he sleeps; for months he’s slept fitfully, chased by nightmares he wouldn’t discuss. Not tonight, tonight he sleeps peacefully. I doubt it was just the sex that lulled him into this calm. It’s surprising actually that he sleeps so well in my bed when less than 8 hours ago I nearly choked the life from him…
I didn’t need a seer on Voss to tell me to be careful of betrayal. I am a Lord of the Sith, I know treachery, it’s a practiced art form among our kind. Since taking Jaesa as my apprentice I’ve been cautious, most Sith advance only over the corpses of their former teachers… my apprentice has such gifts and skill she is nearly my match now, and when she wants to advance, I have always feared it would be over my corpse. She has on many occasions seemed so enthusiastic, so enamored of the unfettered force and passion it’s been difficult to resist her. She is, for me, the perfect apprentice. She’s talented, vicious and has an innate ability to know how I fight and how best to compliment me in battle. I prefer her at my side. The rest of the crew all have uses both on and off the ship, I send them on missions often both to keep them occupied and to help add to our power base, but there has always been a place set aside just for Jaesa.
I know he’s jealous of her. Quinn has many useful skills, his talent for planning and organizing help me immeasurably, but he has no force ability. He’s a good shot with a blaster, but he’s not Sith. I know he resented staying behind to keep an eye on the ship, when I took Jaesa on adventures with me. It’s probably why I became involved with him in the first place, to give him something Jaesa wasn’t getting. Surely my affection and our intimacy would convey how important he was to me. I didn’t expect to care for him as much as I did. Beyond my delight at how flustered I could make him or how my flirtation could crack that professional soldier’s veneer, I found myself relaxing more because I knew that the ship and crew were taken care of, Quinn took all of those issues from me and let me focus on my mission. It was a relief to me, it made me so much more effective that he ran the ship and crew and just let me be guided by the force. I doubt I ever told him how essential he was to not only my duty to the Empire, but how much I needed him personally. I rarely speak of my feelings, apart from the ones the dark side exploits. I relied on him knowing that when I invited him to my bed it was because I felt more than blind lust for him, that I trusted him.
Trust is boring though, and frankly so is Quinn. Nearly every night of the week he’d tend to some wound or another of mine with a running commentary about allowing myself to be injured or praising my acumen or combat skill, then relaying anything relevant I’d missed in my absence and then he’d wait. He’d try not to look too expectant, too eager when he’d say “will there be anything more my Lord?” but then he’d wait. In those moments I wish he was more like Pierce who never hesitated to take the initiative and pull me to him and kiss me hard and fast. Usually he’d wait a heartbeat or two for me to threaten his life or kiss him back. I liked that he wasn’t afraid to take what he wanted. Quinn was never demanding, never rough, never even made his wants known, it’s hard to respect a man whose needs seem to be whatever yours are.
I thought I had him all figured out, my weak, obsequious, diligent, staid husband. Until the Hand wanted me to go to Corellia, then I sensed his unease. I attributed it to the dangers ahead, the certainty that a confrontation with Darth Baras was inevitable. I sensed some conflict about his plan for the transponder, but Quinn is often so driven by detail, the slightest variable can tense him. I ignored all the warnings, and when Jaesa and I landed I realized I had grossly underestimated this man I called husband.
I knew it was him when we entered the control room. He was as agitated as I’ve ever seen him. He knew he was being monitored and I knew he’d betrayed me. I found humor in the absurdity and arrogantly joked that he just couldn’t stand to be without me. I gave him credit for requesting to see me die in person, it wasn’t that he wanted the credit for the kill, more that he felt it his duty to witness the horror he’d wrought. I suspect it was also to meet a quick end once Jaesa regained consciousness, there was an almost Jedi-like acceptance at his fate. I might have felt pity for him, caught between his duty to Darth Baras and his involvement with me, but my rage consumed it quickly.
I’m still amazed at his resourcefulness at programming the droids to my specific fighting style. After dispatching one, I actually drew out the fight with the second, he was good, very good, and I was oddly proud of him. They were indeed difficult but truly not much of a challenge. I wondered if I’d just become so skilled with all the combat since becoming the Emperor’s Wrath or that perhaps his heart wasn’t in his task. He didn’t ask for my mercy once the droids were destroyed, he took a knee and awaited his death.
I choked the life nearly from him before I realized I couldn’t do it, nor could I allow Jaesa to kill him, (although she asked repeatedly for permission). Despite the betrayal, I couldn’t kill him, not just because I care for him, but because now I respected him.